9/9/10

Bummer.

I'm an official bum again. I say that with all the deep sighs my heart and lungs can muster. Being in between consulting jobs wouldn't evoke sighs from the depths of my heart if I made heaps of cash every time, because I am nothing if not a fan of all things cheap.


I am GOOD with a dollar, y'all.


But a few things stand in the way of my ever being consistently successful as a freelancer, like the fact that I LOVE doing church/non-profit design work and also that jobless seasons sometime last longer than working seasons. So I'm hitting the pavement again, looking for something closer to home while we wait for God's hand in our future.


I've been brushing up my resumé, handing out smiles and phone numbers and email addresses like candy, and even interviewing around town. But nothing has been a good fit yet. In the process of updating the flood of information about my employment availability, I just updated my CareerFinder profile, and oh my word, did I ever need to update! My job matches were all in Florida, where I haven't lived since 2007. As was my home address and telephone number.


Seeing my old address and all of my job searches made me remember how hard I fought to stay in FL - and prompted my memory to drop a whole load of emotions, squashing my poor heart into a painful pancake. I visited my old stomping grounds with my sister, her boyfriend, and my hubs [then boyfriend] in April, and even with all of this loveliness:



and all of this fun:






And the admittedly wonderful company:


I was an emotional basket case. Poor D - he should have run as soon as he saw the signs. ;) Being in the place that I fiercely loved, that I poured my heart and soul into, and that I left with a heart wounded by the jagged, searing pain of betrayal, lies, and rejection - it was enough to make a grown woman cry.

I was SO unprepared for the emotions brought on by a beach vacation. As was D, if his terrified look as he grabbed me for a hug told the story correctly. Three years after I left the beach and the people and the city I loved, having moved on and changed and grown, and I was a mess. No one can predict that memories will bring back all of the emotions so clearly until it happens, trust me - if THAT were possible, I would have packed some Kleenex.

Y'all. It physically hurt, even to remember.

This time around, though, the sudden emotional onslaught was a little less brutal. The smile was sad as I thought of the little apartment always filled with people and laughter and of the trying season where my life was, in the words of Will Smith, flip-turned-upside-down. When I struggled to find a job - any job - that would allow me to stay in the place where I knew, without a doubt, that God had brought me.

And, I'm not gonna lie, I still miss my surfboard. =)

But I know that God is still in control. Of our lives, of my job situation, of the pain in my past. I have learned how NOT to treat someone, how NOT to live my life, and most importantly, how NOT to let go of God's hand.

And that, my friends, is the most important thing to know.



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